The Jazz Butcher Lyrics Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present


Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present
Let's go, let's go... One, Two, Three, Four....
Burke and Hare!
ESTER, I'm coming for you, ESTER, ESTER.
We're gonna tell you something really big (ESTER!)
Like the Alice Cooper Group.
ESTER! Alice Cooper, baby! Alice Cooper!
Uh-uhrrrmm... Like the Alice Cooper Group.
Do you wanna touch me? DEAD BABIES!

See, there's been some big, big things, and some are bigger than others,
And when one might get up and go out of the room, he gets replaced with another.
Now some of these are monsters, the kind that live in the lakes (WHEURRRR!)
And other kinds are like Metal Men, and other kinds are BIG SNAKES.
But they don't look like nothing, they don't look like nothing at all.
They don't look like nothing when you put them up against Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present.
Did ya get that, Joe? (CRAZY!) ESTER, I'M WAITING...
Ner! Ner! Ner!
SAUSAGES! Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad.
Caroline Wheeler checked into the lobby of the Bruce Grobelaar Leisure Centre

Liverpool and Zimbabwe goalkeeper of the 1980's

(they check in, but they don't check out) - she was looking for a room where she could sit down and get herself back in order (ORDER!)...
SHEESH!, thought Caroline, What the HELL was that? (Edgar Wallace!)
So she goes to the elevator, she thinks "Well, that'll be pretty straightforward" (Yes, STRAIGHT UP, Caroline...) You know what she finds?
The elevator breaks down with Caroline and the fish in it.
(Fish?) (Uh-oh...)
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator?
You don't? (Uncontrollable Celtic whooping from Jones)
Well, here's a clue: fish is biodegradable. (THAT MEANS IT ROTS.)
Ner! Ner! Ner!

Well, there's some big, big things and they travel in big, big cars:
Cars like a Mercedes with a big tow-bar (WHERE'S ESTER?)
But there ain't no vehicle big enough,
They just ain't built the vehicle big enough yet to hold the thing that men call Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present (caroline wheeler's birthday present)
(Heck! Here comes the Hell Drivers!)

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Live Stats

68 documented performances (click to explore)
1984 1 (JBC)
1985 5 (JBC)
1986 2 (JBC)
1987 3
1 (Pat Solo)
2 (JBC)
1988 7 (JBC)
1989 7 (JBC)
1990 10 (JBC)
1993 2 (JBC)
1994 3 (JBC)
1997 1 (JBC)
1998 1 (JBC)
1999 5 (JBC)
2000 11 (JBC)
2001 3 (JBC)
2002 2 (JBC)
2003 1 (Pat Solo)
2005 2
1 (Pat Solo)
1 (JBC)
2009 1 (JBC)
2011 1 (Pat Solo)
Visitor Feedback
Visitors' recent comments for this page [Read all 14 comments] [Add your own]
  • hell
    fishburder[at] - pat fish
    25Oct2015 9:41 AM (1 year 182 days ago)
    No, it's definitely Hell Drivers. A black and white UK trucker movie from the fifties, starring a very young Sean Connery. "My God! He must be touching fifty..."
  • Hell Drivers?
    russellweaving[at] - russ, London
    22Oct2015 1:58 PM (1 year 185 days ago)
    Obviously I didn't write it so I may be wrong but isn't it "Hellfire club"?
  • Best. JB. Song. Ever.
    robert0218[at] - Robert J.
    27Jan2014 12:20 PM (3 years 88 days ago)
    That is all.
  • birthday present
    patrice23lala[at]-remove-yahoo,com - patidifusa
    16Oct2010 5:20 PM (6 years 192 days ago)
    my belief has always been that this song was a boyfriend's revenge in the form of a song and he considered her birthday present as the physical space where life begins in the human body... only more vulgar as he'd learned she'd been with a number of others so he assumed it had grown large....
  • what was it thou?
    k_gall[at] - Kenny Gall
    12Feb2010 1:24 PM (7 years 73 days ago)
    I have wondered now for over 20 years..
    WHAT did she get exactly, for her birthday?