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The Jazz Butcher Lyrics Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present

Lyrics

Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present
Let's go, let's go... One, Two, Three, Four....
ESTER!
Burke and Hare!
ESTER, I'm coming for you, ESTER, ESTER.
SAUSAGES! SAUSAGES! ESTER! ESTER! SAUSAGES!
We're gonna tell you something really big (ESTER!)
Like the Alice Cooper Group.
ESTER! Alice Cooper, baby! Alice Cooper!
Uh-uhrrrmm... Like the Alice Cooper Group.
Do you wanna touch me? DEAD BABIES!

See, there's been some big, big things, and some are bigger than others,
And when one might get up and go out of the room, he gets replaced with another.
Now some of these are monsters, the kind that live in the lakes (WHEURRRR!)
And other kinds are like Metal Men, and other kinds are BIG SNAKES.
But they don't look like nothing, they don't look like nothing at all.
They don't look like nothing when you put them up against Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present.
That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
Did ya get that, Joe? (CRAZY!) ESTER, I'M WAITING...
Ner! Ner! Ner!
SAUSAGES! Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad.
Caroline Wheeler checked into the lobby of the Bruce Grobelaar Leisure Centre

Liverpool and Zimbabwe goalkeeper of the 1980's

(they check in, but they don't check out) - she was looking for a room where she could sit down and get herself back in order (ORDER!)...
SHEESH!, thought Caroline, What the HELL was that? (Edgar Wallace!)
So she goes to the elevator, she thinks "Well, that'll be pretty straightforward" (Yes, STRAIGHT UP, Caroline...) You know what she finds?
The elevator breaks down with Caroline and the fish in it.
(Fish?) (Uh-oh...)
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator?
You don't? (Uncontrollable Celtic whooping from Jones)
Well, here's a clue: fish is biodegradable. (THAT MEANS IT ROTS.)
Ner! Ner! Ner!

Well, there's some big, big things and they travel in big, big cars:
Cars like a Mercedes with a big tow-bar (WHERE'S ESTER?)
But there ain't no vehicle big enough,
They just ain't built the vehicle big enough yet to hold the thing that men call Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present (caroline wheeler's birthday present)
That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
(Heck! Here comes the Hell Drivers!)
(Vroom!)
(OUCH!)

Found On

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Insight

The Butcher Says..
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator? Educations.

Live Stats

76 documented performances (click to explore)
1984 1 (JBC)
1985 6 (JBC)
1986 2 (JBC)
1987 3
1 (Pat Solo)
2 (JBC)
1988 8 (JBC)
1989 7 (JBC)
1990 11 (JBC)
1993 2 (JBC)
1994 3 (JBC)
1997 1 (JBC)
1998 1 (JBC)
1999 5 (JBC)
2000 14 (JBC)
2001 3 (JBC)
2002 2 (JBC)
2003 1 (Pat Solo)
2005 2
1 (Pat Solo)
1 (JBC)
2009 2 (JBC)
2011 1 (Pat Solo)
2021 1 (Pat Solo)
Visitor Feedback
Visitors' comments for this page [Add your own]
hell
No, it's definitely Hell Drivers. A black and white UK trucker movie from the fifties, starring a very young Sean Connery. "My God! He must be touching fifty..."
pat fish 25Oct2015 9:41 AM
Hell Drivers?
Obviously I didn't write it so I may be wrong but isn't it "Hellfire club"?
russ, London 22Oct2015 1:58 PM
Best. JB. Song. Ever.
That is all.
Robert J. 27Jan2014 12:20 PM
birthday present
my belief has always been that this song was a boyfriend's revenge in the form of a song and he considered her birthday present as the physical space where life begins in the human body... only more vulgar as he'd learned she'd been with a number of others so he assumed it had grown large....
patidifusa 16Oct2010 5:20 PM
what was it thou?
I have wondered now for over 20 years..
WHAT did she get exactly, for her birthday?
Kenny Gall 12Feb2010 1:24 PM
so, Caroline...
..when is your birthday, so we know when to throw a bash?
pbchicken Seattle, WA 15Jun2006 11:36 AM
So...what was Caroline Wheeler's birthday present?
Was there ever one? if so what was it?
Echo Park 28Sep2005 11:32 PM
caroline
Most carolines are nice except caroline wheeler from offaly!!lol lizzie x x x
4Jun2005 8:13 AM
caroline wheeler
from lutterworth actually, pat
cameron ov finsbury park 10Mar2005 1:24 PM
To all the Caroline Wheelers of the World
The particular C.W. we were singing about came from Nottingham in da UK. She is a fashion designer, last seen living in Los Angeles, California. She never sued us.
Shakespeare Villas, NN1 25Jan2005 7:24 AM
none
hay I am not the only Caroline Wheeler in the world cool
Tullamore Offaly 22Jan2005 9:21 AM
Alice Cooper
Happy Birthday Alice
3Feb2003 12:43 PM
caroline wheeler
is that the one and only caroline marie wheeler ?.
karl 8Jul2002 2:22 PM
Caroline Wheeler
I really should sue, thats my name you're using!
1Jun2002 7:28 AM