The Jazz Butcher
The Jazz Butcher Lyrics Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present


Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present
Let's go, let's go... One, Two, Three, Four....
Burke and Hare!
ESTER, I'm coming for you, ESTER, ESTER.
We're gonna tell you something really big (ESTER!)
Like the Alice Cooper Group.
ESTER! Alice Cooper, baby! Alice Cooper!
Uh-uhrrrmm... Like the Alice Cooper Group.
Do you wanna touch me? DEAD BABIES!

See, there's been some big, big things, and some are bigger than others,
And when one might get up and go out of the room, he gets replaced with another.
Now some of these are monsters, the kind that live in the lakes (WHEURRRR!)
And other kinds are like Metal Men, and other kinds are BIG SNAKES.
But they don't look like nothing, they don't look like nothing at all.
They don't look like nothing when you put them up against Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present.
Did ya get that, Joe? (CRAZY!) ESTER, I'M WAITING...
Ner! Ner! Ner!
SAUSAGES! Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad.
Caroline Wheeler checked into the lobby of the Bruce Grobelaar Leisure Centre

Liverpool and Zimbabwe goalkeeper of the 1980's
(they check in, but they don't check out) - she was looking for a room where she could sit down and get herself back in order (ORDER!)...
SHEESH!, thought Caroline, What the HELL was that? (Edgar Wallace!)
So she goes to the elevator, she thinks "Well, that'll be pretty straightforward" (Yes, STRAIGHT UP, Caroline...) You know what she finds?
The elevator breaks down with Caroline and the fish in it.
(Fish?) (Uh-oh...)
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator?
You don't? (Uncontrollable Celtic whooping from Jones)
Well, here's a clue: fish is biodegradable. (THAT MEANS IT ROTS.)
Ner! Ner! Ner!

Well, there's some big, big things and they travel in big, big cars:
Cars like a Mercedes with a big tow-bar (WHERE'S ESTER?)
But there ain't no vehicle big enough,
They just ain't built the vehicle big enough yet to hold the thing that men call Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present (caroline wheeler's birthday present)
(Heck! Here comes the Hell Drivers!)

Found On

Buy These Records
[Marnie 7er cover thumbnail]
Glass Records 7er
A Scandal In Bohemia
The Albatross. A record, I feel, of its time. We were young(ish) and cocky and I think it shows. I still haven't learned to sing on this one, which bugs me too. Still, it was cheap and cheerful, and it helped us to meet an awful lot of people.
Purchase Now
( )
[A Scandal In Bohemia cover thumbnail]
Glass Records
Bloody Nonsense
The Jazz Butcher and his group are not in the business of belonging; they are too old and too obstreperous to conform to some attention-seeking image or commercially viable formula. Rather, they bring their not inconsiderable talents to bear on whatever happens to be in the way at the time. The results can only be described as essential.
[Bloody Nonsense cover thumbnail]
Draining The Glass
Glass Records era compilation.
Purchase Now
( )
[Draining The Glass cover thumbnail]
Fire Records
[Glorious And Idiotic cover thumbnail]
Cake City
Glass-era compilation.
Purchase Now
( )
[Cake City cover thumbnail]
Vinyl Japan
The Wasted Years
Featuring ‘Bath Of Bacon’, ‘A Scandal In Bohemia’, ‘Sex And Travel’ and ‘Distressed Gentlefolk’.
Purchase Now
( )
[The Wasted Years cover thumbnail]
Fire Records 4xCD
Dr Cholmondley Repents: A​-​sides, B​-​Sides and Seasides
Four CD box set gathering A-sides, the would-be hits along with B-sides, tangential 12-inch tracks (the C-sides), and an excellent session for Los Angeles radio station KCRW from 1989.

Includes over a dozen indie chart hits including ‘Southern Mark Smith’, ‘Girl Go’, ‘The Human Jungle’, ‘16 Years’ plus a host of truly eclectic Butcher tunes from his early Glass recordings through his time at Creation.

Purchase Now
( )
[Dr Cholmondley Repents: A​-​sides, B​-​Sides and Seasides cover thumbnail]
Fire Records 4xCD

Pat Says

The Butcher Says..
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator? Educations. Source: A Scandal In Bohemia liner notes

Live Stats

82 documented performances (click to explore)
1984 1 (JBC)
1985 8 (JBC)
1986 2 (JBC)
1987 3
1 (Pat Solo)
2 (JBC)
1988 9 (JBC)
1989 7 (JBC)
1990 13 (JBC)
1993 2 (JBC)
1994 3 (JBC)
1997 1 (JBC)
1998 1 (JBC)
1999 5 (JBC)
2000 14 (JBC)
2001 3 (JBC)
2002 2 (JBC)
2003 1 (Pat Solo)
2005 3
1 (Pat Solo)
2 (JBC)
2009 2 (JBC)
2011 1 (Pat Solo)
2021 1 (Pat Solo)


1 Recorded Live Performances
1988-06-12 Odd Rock Cafe - Milwaukee, USA
Credit: Douglas Buege
Visitor Feedback
Visitors' comments for this page [Add your own]
  • hell
    fishburder[at] - pat fish
    25Oct2015 9:41 AM (8 years 44 days ago)
    No, it's definitely Hell Drivers. A black and white UK trucker movie from the fifties, starring a very young Sean Connery. "My God! He must be touching fifty..."
  • Hell Drivers?
    russellweaving[at] - russ, London
    22Oct2015 1:58 PM (8 years 47 days ago)
    Obviously I didn't write it so I may be wrong but isn't it "Hellfire club"?
  • Best. JB. Song. Ever.
    robert0218[at] - Robert J.
    27Jan2014 12:20 PM (9 years 315 days ago)
    That is all.
  • birthday present
    patrice23lala[at]-remove-yahoo,com - patidifusa
    16Oct2010 5:20 PM (13 years 53 days ago)
    my belief has always been that this song was a boyfriend's revenge in the form of a song and he considered her birthday present as the physical space where life begins in the human body... only more vulgar as he'd learned she'd been with a number of others so he assumed it had grown large....
  • what was it thou?
    k_gall[at] - Kenny Gall
    12Feb2010 1:24 PM (13 years 300 days ago)
    I have wondered now for over 20 years..
    WHAT did she get exactly, for her birthday?
  • so, Caroline...
    barrettwilke[at] - pbchicken Seattle, WA
    15Jun2006 11:36 AM (17 years 178 days ago)
    ..when is your birthday, so we know when to throw a bash?
  • So...what was Caroline Wheeler's birthday present?
    Dave Flannelette - Echo Park
    28Sep2005 11:32 PM (18 years 72 days ago)
    Was there ever one? if so what was it?
  • caroline
    4Jun2005 8:13 AM (18 years 189 days ago)
    Most carolines are nice except caroline wheeler from offaly!!lol lizzie x x x
  • caroline wheeler
    george.hadley[at] - cameron ov finsbury park
    10Mar2005 1:24 PM (18 years 275 days ago)
    from lutterworth actually, pat
  • To all the Caroline Wheelers of the World
    The Butcher - Shakespeare Villas, NN1
    25Jan2005 7:24 AM (18 years 319 days ago)
    The particular C.W. we were singing about came from Nottingham in da UK. She is a fashion designer, last seen living in Los Angeles, California. She never sued us.
  • none
    Caroline Wheeler 22/01/05 17.16 - Tullamore Offaly
    22Jan2005 9:21 AM (18 years 322 days ago)
    hay I am not the only Caroline Wheeler in the world cool
  • Alice Cooper
    3Feb2003 12:43 PM (20 years 311 days ago)
    Happy Birthday Alice
  • caroline wheeler
    karl[at] - karl
    8Jul2002 2:22 PM (21 years 156 days ago)
    is that the one and only caroline marie wheeler ?.
  • Caroline Wheeler
    1Jun2002 7:28 AM (21 years 193 days ago)
    I really should sue, thats my name you're using!