
Lyrics
Let's go, let's go... One, Two, Three, Four....
ESTER!
Burke and Hare!
ESTER, I'm coming for you, ESTER, ESTER.
SAUSAGES! SAUSAGES! ESTER! ESTER! SAUSAGES!
We're gonna tell you something really big (ESTER!)
Like the Alice Cooper Group.
ESTER! Alice Cooper, baby! Alice Cooper!
Uh-uhrrrmm... Like the Alice Cooper Group.
Do you wanna touch me? DEAD BABIES!See, there's been some big, big things, and some are bigger than others,
And when one might get up and go out of the room, he gets replaced with another.
Now some of these are monsters, the kind that live in the lakes (WHEURRRR!)
And other kinds are like Metal Men, and other kinds are BIG SNAKES.
But they don't look like nothing, they don't look like nothing at all.
They don't look like nothing when you put them up against Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present.
That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
Did ya get that, Joe? (CRAZY!) ESTER, I'M WAITING...
Ner! Ner! Ner!
SAUSAGES! Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad.
Caroline Wheeler checked into the lobby of the Bruce Grobelaar Leisure CentreLiverpool and Zimbabwe goalkeeper of the 1980's
(they check in, but they don't check out) - she was looking for a room where she could sit down and get herself back in order (ORDER!)...
SHEESH!, thought Caroline, What the HELL was that? (Edgar Wallace!)
So she goes to the elevator, she thinks "Well, that'll be pretty straightforward" (Yes, STRAIGHT UP, Caroline...) You know what she finds?
The elevator breaks down with Caroline and the fish in it.
(Fish?) (Uh-oh...)
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator?
You don't? (Uncontrollable Celtic whooping from Jones)
Well, here's a clue: fish is biodegradable. (THAT MEANS IT ROTS.)
Ner! Ner! Ner!Well, there's some big, big things and they travel in big, big cars:
Cars like a Mercedes with a big tow-bar (WHERE'S ESTER?)
But there ain't no vehicle big enough,
They just ain't built the vehicle big enough yet to hold the thing that men call Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present (caroline wheeler's birthday present)
That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
(Heck! Here comes the Hell Drivers!)
(Vroom!)
(OUCH!)
Found On
Featuring ‘Bath Of Bacon’, ‘A Scandal In Bohemia’, ‘Sex And Travel’ and ‘Distressed Gentlefolk’.
Four CD box set gathering A-sides, the would-be hits along with B-sides, tangential 12-inch tracks (the C-sides), and an excellent session for Los Angeles radio station KCRW from 1989.
Includes over a dozen indie chart hits including ‘Southern Mark Smith’, ‘Girl Go’, ‘The Human Jungle’, ‘16 Years’ plus a host of truly eclectic Butcher tunes from his early Glass recordings through his time at Creation.
Insight
Live Stats
No, it's definitely Hell Drivers. A black and white UK trucker movie from the fifties, starring a very young Sean Connery. "My God! He must be touching fifty..."pat fish 25Oct2015 9:41 AM
Obviously I didn't write it so I may be wrong but isn't it "Hellfire club"?russ, London 22Oct2015 1:58 PM
That is all.Robert J. 27Jan2014 12:20 PM
my belief has always been that this song was a boyfriend's revenge in the form of a song and he considered her birthday present as the physical space where life begins in the human body... only more vulgar as he'd learned she'd been with a number of others so he assumed it had grown large....patidifusa 16Oct2010 5:20 PM
I have wondered now for over 20 years..Kenny Gall 12Feb2010 1:24 PM
WHAT did she get exactly, for her birthday?
..when is your birthday, so we know when to throw a bash?pbchicken Seattle, WA 15Jun2006 11:36 AM
Was there ever one? if so what was it?Echo Park 28Sep2005 11:32 PM
Most carolines are nice except caroline wheeler from offaly!!lol lizzie x x x4Jun2005 8:13 AM
from lutterworth actually, patcameron ov finsbury park 10Mar2005 1:24 PM
The particular C.W. we were singing about came from Nottingham in da UK. She is a fashion designer, last seen living in Los Angeles, California. She never sued us.Shakespeare Villas, NN1 25Jan2005 7:24 AM
hay I am not the only Caroline Wheeler in the world coolTullamore Offaly 22Jan2005 9:21 AM
Happy Birthday Alice3Feb2003 12:43 PM
is that the one and only caroline marie wheeler ?.karl 8Jul2002 2:22 PM
I really should sue, thats my name you're using!1Jun2002 7:28 AM